What's Eating Gary's Gauchies?????????????????

I would first like to say that this may be my last post for a while. It will become obvious to every one (all 4 of you) of my readers that I am running out of subject manner and therefore I have decided to "jump the shark" so to speak which is a show biz term for using the absurd in a vain attempt to keep people watching a dying sitcom. Some of you may say that writing about my heart rates, boring bike rides and other men grabbing my ass was jumping the shark but I am about to sink to an all time low reminiscent to the introduction of the Great Gazoo on the Flintstones. When he appeared it was obvious that Fred and Wilma had but a few shows left before being unceremoniously dumped. I can only hope that committing literary hari kari as I am about to do will not turn me into more of a social outcast than I already am.

Let's get to it. About a month ago I climbed out of the shower, dried off and went straight for the underwear drawer because there is nothing scarier than a 55 year old man walking around the house starkers. I grabbed the first pair of undies I saw and yanked them on only to flip out in a literal sense which left me hanging......so to speak. Please be aware that my being of Scottish heritage means I can't throw my underwear out until the elastic goes. When I am forced to reach down my pants about 20 time a day to yank my briefs back up is when I realize it's time to start using them as a dish rag. Just kidding, usually by the time the elastic gives out they have the absorbency of a fishing net. Anyways this pair was fairly new and therefore the elastic was strong and they were diaper like in their absorbency. The front of them was chewed to shit. Several holes and cloth dangling and all I could think of is I have mice or there is some kind of dangerous substance emanating from me or mine.....so to speak.

I have never seen mice in my house nor have I ever seen any evidence of mice but I checked the underwear drawer and found no evidence of the little critters. Now I have a mystery on my hands. Is Guinness secretly rummaging through my laundry in search of the ever pungent underwear and then chowing down? I suppose this is possible because he is a dog and does all the usual dog things like ball licking and shit eating. Yes, it's hard to admit to but I have seen him eat shit so I suppose my underwear might be caviar to him. Who knows?

I had almost forgotten about the chewed up underwear incident when last night I was again making the naked 55 year old sprint to the underwear drawer. I grabbed the first available pair and as I was yanking them on I could see carpet through them. This is what I discovered.

That is about a 2"x 3" hole and it sure looks like something has been chewing on them to make it. Now I must admit I was relieved when I discovered the hole was in the ass of that pair because I was able to eliminate the something emanating from me scenario. I mean, I've never been old before so who really knows what happens to ones body. I was perplexed about what the hell was going on with my underwear but I was even more disturbed that I was a 55 year old man standing around starkers so I reached into the underwear drawer one more time and tried my luck again. I quickly yanked the new pair on and felt better for about 2 seconds. As soon as I made a quick move to the t-shirt drawer (because I'm a 55 year old standing around without a shirt on) I flipped out in a literal sense which left me pointing east (Mecca?, a bar? A WOMAN!?) out the side of my underwear. I slowly removed the underwear while checking to see if Guinness was peeking around the corner and laughing at me but he was nowhere to be seen.

Once again there I was starkers in my room inspecting my underwear and this is what I found.

That looks like something took one big chomp and went right through the border. What the hell could it be? I don't think it's mice but I guess that's a possibility. It's not like they are edible underwear that I bought by accident because I am pretty sure Mark's Work Wearhouse doesn't carry edibles unless they are WD-40 flavoured and I doubt mice would like those ones. I have decided that I am going to put some cheese in my underwear drawer tonight and see if it has been eaten tomorrow morning. And if my underwear smell like cheddar then I can only hope all my jobs for the next few days are for people who don't own a dog.